I suppose you could call this a hate letter. Somewhere I heard that you get a lot of those. So I thought, if writing you hate mail is so popular, I'd give it a try.
So, I hate that you left late night TV. For a week or two I hung on to see if anyone – anyone – was going to be funny. They weren't. On the up-side, I got more sleep, as I went to bed at 11:00 instead of waiting up to see you at 11:35.
I hate that you went on the air at 10:00, as it cut into some of my favorite shows – on another network, but I did switch over to you on the commercials, sometimes losing track of the time and in the process a large part of the story line. Sometimes I just abandoned the show and left it on NBC.
I hate it that you are back on the late night slot, because that means that I can't get that extra sleep any more, or that I have to miss your monologue. I hate it when that happens.
And I hate that you are taking flack from so many for being rich and successful. I mean, isn't that what we all want? Isn't the goal of every single individual to eventually become so successful that we are rich as a result? Believe me, every male worth the label wants your garage. Every female wants a male who has your garage.
I hate that you are taking flack from other talk show hosts for being popular and funny. Isn't that what they are trying to do – and failing miserably? They should study you, maybe they can become popular and funny.
And finally, I hate that someone as broadly popular, a fixture in today's society, the hallmark for having arrived, should endure this crapola. It just goes to show what I have said for so long: America hates heroes. The American press and people have always longed to see every hero brought down. They love a story about someone who should be beloved arrested, divorced, in rehab, in an accident or on trial for murder. There are snakes in the popular press that begin looking for smut the very moment someone comes into the public spotlight.
So now you're back on late night TV at NBC, in beautiful, downtown Burbank. Life is as it should be, God is in his heaven and all is right with the world. There will still be grumblings, after all, you are everything that a good American should want to be: rich, successful, popular and (I mean this in the most manly and non-sexual way) attractive. There will always be those who will want to bring down a celebrity, a hero. I hate that.